April 27, 2001 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 15

bigtips

'The pause that refreshes' has become her master

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Dear Big Tipper,

My girlfriend is an absolute addict. To what? Caffeine. She starts every morning with a Coke, which she opens while she's still lying in bed. (There's almost nowhere in our house where there aren't soda cans, full or empty.)

She works at home, and drinks several pots of coffee during the day. When we go out to eat, she'll drink three or four Cokes or iced teas or iced coffees, and she lies in bed at night, reading to relax, with a Coke next to her on the nightstand.

My first response to this is, whatever. It's her body, it's not alcohol, it doesn't seem to affect her health or sleep (yet), unless she's somewhere that she can't get any, and then she gets a terrible headache.

But still, it seems a little worrisome. It's obviously something she's actually addicted to, and she feels sick when she can't get it, and sometimes I worry that she's going to have a heart attack. She's a diligent brusher, so I'm not worried about her teeth.

Am I just looking for a situation where there is none? We joke about it, but it's only lately that I've started to feel a little weird about it.

Married to a Coke Head

Dear Coke and a Coke and a Coke and a Smile,

Yeah, you're probably borrowing trouble. But if you're really worried about her, talk to your health care person about what the side effects of all of that caffeine are.

One thing I can tell you is, she's probably very dehydrated, and that may be why she's drinking so much of anything. For every caffeinated bev you drink, you need to drink two cups of water to replenish your aquatic reserves.

If you two don't already have other stuff to drink around the house, start buying bottled water, or just start keeping water in

the fridge. You can cut juice in half with seltzer, which is yummy and sweet, but not quite so full of tooth-rotting goodness as full strength juice, or Coke. You could switch to half decaf/half full-leaded coffee. Working at home

is a real prescription for eating poorly and perhaps constantly, just because you can. If all she's doing is drinking tons of coffee during the day, at the very least, it's probably better than eating a lot of crap.

The bottom line is, if it's not bothering her emotionally or physically, there's no real motivation for her to cut back. If she

doesn't have some

Dear Paint Me and Show Me God,

Honey, if your boyfriend doesn't want to do body painting, that's going to be a darned hard thing to talk him into. I know it would take a mighty fancy dinner and more margaritas than I could ever hold down to get me in a coat of paint and feeling sexy, and I suspect I am far from alone on that sentiment.

BIG TIPS

sort of health condition that is exacerbated by the mass consumption of caffeine, this is probably something to let go.

But that doesn't mean you can't wear kittenish lingerie while drinking a lot of seltzer around her-there's always the subconscious route.

Dear Big Tipper,

Ever since I went to a radical faerie gathering, I desperately want my lover to paint my body and then screw me. He says he's embarrassed by things like that, and he doesn't feel turned on by it, and he doesn't even want to talk about it.

I'm sure just the idea of it is worse for him than doing it would be. How can I get him into this? I did this with some guys I'd just met that weekend (we're happily non-monogamous), but I really want to do it more, and I want to do it with my lover. I felt like I just tasted the littlest bit of ecstasy I could feel, and I want more. Please, please help me. Screw Me and Set Me Free

OUT. THERE

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While there's a noble tradition of doing things you may not erotically prioritize because your lover really wants it, you can't push that philosophy on someone else, and he doesn't seem to be going there.

Wait, what's that? Did I hear you say you're nonmonogamous? Hello! Take it to the gatherings, my brother. This may be one of those things that you'll be doing with a kindred soul other than your alpha sweetie. Go get it.

Dear Big Tipper,

You don't need to answer this. I just want to let your readers know something.

I used to joke around about “chem-free” events, and thought it was really weird that you weren't supposed to even wear deodorant. Then you'd smell even more, right? Ha ha. I have friends who are smokers, and I

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didn't understand why people got so upset about being near cigarette smoke.

Well, I got a case of bronchitis that turned into pneumonia over a year ago, and it's still not really gone. What I've been left with is a body that is very, very sensitive. I can't be around people who have any sort of perfume on. My eyes tear and burn, I get a terrible headache, I get nauseous, and I start to have a hard time breathing.

I can't be around smoke at all now, so it's hard to go to any restaurants that aren't completely smoke-free, and my friends can't smoke near me at all. Sometimes just being near their clothing makes me sick.

I have a good doctor, so I feel like I'll either get better, or find a combination of strategies that will help me do the things I want to do, but that's not the point. I just wanted to let people know that chemical sensitivity is real, and I'm not telling people they shouldn't use the products they want to, but you should be aware that when you are covered with scents, you are probably making someone near you sick or uncomfortable.

Dear Readers,

You heard him.

Common Scents

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052, or e-mail to martone @drizzle.com.

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